an exclusive flirtationship

So I know nobody reads this and nobody really cares, but I have some things to say. Halloween, I guess you could say that N and I had our first semi-bad fight. Drunk people do NOT make good decisions and obviously that applies to me. I got separated from N so I may have asked my friends to come help me find him again, however this turned into us holding hands and that did not sit well with him. I know you’re probably thinking slut or something, but nothing happened at all, I just wanted to be with him and being alone at a college party is not a good situation.

What I really want is to be dating N, like really dating not this exclusive relationship we have right now. Sure it is nice to know that we are exclusive, but I want more. I would also like to think that he wants more but I’m not sure. He is great and puts up with me and somehow he still likes me, if that isn’t perfect, I don’t know what is. I’m meeting his family next week, but I am so nervous I am just praying I don’t mess it up. First impressions are hard and I can’t imagine if I messed it up, we would never be anything ever again.

College is hard, not the work, the decisions. I just want to make the right ones but I know that I am probably not. I drink to much, party too much, and study too little. I don’t know how to accept that N is graduating in the spring and I will still be here in college. it isn’t the age that bothers me, it is that he could be across the nation in Washington without me. I’ll be left in Florida, literally the opposite end of the continental united states. how do I deal with that?

I’m sure nobody is reading but if someone is, thank you and I appreciate that you probably care about me more than 80% of the people in my life

-XOXO

I’m really back

I’ve been in college for a few months now and everything has changed. I am a different person. New, Fresh, probably worse off now if we are going to be honest. My life is the same, confused about boys and unsure of what to do about school. I’m in a defacto relationship, I guess an exclusive flirtationship is a better word. I’m scared of getting hurt or being rejected. I can’t bring up that I want to be in an actual official relationship, I don’t want to scare him off. let me just tell you that he is very cute and fun to be around. He makes me happy. Why don’t we just call him N.

We met on tinder believe it or not. somehow two people really can meet an connect from a shitty app like tinder. I don’t know what to expect from our ‘hanging out’ or whatever it should be called. I’m scared to like him because if he didn’t like me back a part of me might actually break. He is 3 years older than me so go ahead and think it, naive freshman here. Call me naive but I think he actually cares about me. He wants to take me on real dates and spend real time together. That has to count for something right?

Truth is, I am a big mess and this void is all I could think to turn to. I’ve missed you wordpress, universe, followers. This is real life and blogging beats counseling. I promise I’ll be back very soon, I’ve missed the cathartic release that comes from expressing myself in a blog.

XOXO

i’m really not dead

so this week has been a busy one for me so it has been awhile since I have been able to sit down and think. I know I am bad at this blogging thing, so I won’t pretend like I deserve blogger of the year. Even if I posted daily, I wouldn’t deserve it. I was cleaning out my room for college and I found five journals I used to keep when I was young. Like this, I started out strong with daily posts then it faded and I barely filled out ten pages of each journal. This time it will be different, there I go, spitting cliches. This time I mean it, there is another one. I’m surprised I’ve kept this thing going, even if it isn’t regular or on a timed schedule. I’m scared, college genuinely freaks me out. I am taking three ridiculously hard classes and if I don’t maintain a 3.5 then I am out of the honors program and at risk for losing my scholarship. All of those people who told me I wasn’t good enough, it is coming back around and I am feeling inadequate. Nobody said it was going to be easy, so I don’t expect that, but I didn’t think it would be this hard either. Cleaning out my room makes me very nostalgic and thus emotional. Every time I find something from my childhood I want to cry and hold onto it. Wow I am a train wreck, not quite like Amy Schumer, but in the same ballpark. I thought things were coming together for me, but that was just an illusion. I’m scared and I feel alone, I guess that is why I am still blogging. Knowing that there are people out there that care about what I have to say, makes me feel less alone. Thank you for being the silent listeners

XOXO

when in doubt, blog it out

I know I’ve been gone for awhile, but I have some serious issues that I can’t figure out. As you know, I am home alone for the week and without any means of transportation, it gets boring. So I did what any bored girl would do, phone a friend. Sara and I are hanging out Sunday, but I asked Jack to hang out yesterday (wednesday). I really wanted to blog then, but no lie, my wifi crashed. If he knew about this blog he would vouch for me because netflix was completely broken. I still don’t know if he is still with his girlfriend or not and I am too scared to find out. I don’t know if I like him or what. I mean we get along and we are always able to laugh but also talk about typically awkward things and it isn’t awkward. So that means we are fit to be best friends or boyfriend. I don’t know where my head is at and I thought that blogging would help me decide but I can’t. If he is still dating someone, I would never be able to forgive myself because it isn’t like we are doing anything other than hanging out, but if I were dating him I wouldn’t be okay with it.Then there is my dad, I love him but I hate to see him suffer. My divorced parents live very separate lives, so I see two sides of the spectrum. My mom is the accountant type who carefully plans out financial purchases, but my dad has a low income and barely makes it by. He stopped paying child support years ago because “it was just too much”. What am I supposed to say to that? Honestly if you have read “Death of a Salesman”, my dad is the 21st century Willy Loman. It is sad and I can’t see him like this, it kills me. I know I can’t do anything about it because I don’t make money currently, I am a starving student. My life is just falling apart at the seams and it seems like you are the only people I can talk about it with. I really don’t know what to do about Jack though, I feel like we’re close already and we have really only been friends since prom. Isn’t it weird how you could go to the same school as someone since third grade and never speak to them until April of your senior year in high school. So world hear my shout to the void, I am lost and in need of guidance. I’m insecure and afraid of rejection and devastation. Honestly, the more people reassure me, the less I am sure of myself. Which I know is completely contradictory, but it is the truth. I’m Asian, but I was nowhere near valedictorian, so am I really that smart? I don’t think I’m completely repulsive, but that doesn’t make me pretty. I know I’m not fat, but Victoria’s Secret isn’t calling me up anytime. I am literally the epitome of average and I guess that is why I have been 18 years single. For the record, I have only lived 18 years. Well I guess I haven’t been single the entire time, but my minuscule boyfriends were literally just people in my life that I said a maximum of five words to. What is wrong with me and why is my timing always wrong. I’ve known of Jack for 9 of my 18 years on this planet and when we finally become friends he may or may not have a girlfriend in the picture. Wow this blogging thing really is cathartic, I do actually find myself talking into answers. I can’t just ask him if he is still dating his girlfriend, that would just screw up everything. I honestly don’t know what I am going to do because part of me knows we have good chemistry, the other part of me doesn’t know which kind. I need help, sleep, and a clear head. At this rate, sleep is all I will be getting.

XOXO

about this everyday thing

I can’t do it. I’ve tried and I was successful, but everyday is too much for me. I’ll do my best but I won’t promise everyday. I’m not sure the last time I blogged, but a lot has happened to me in the past few days. I don’t know what to do with myself. I say that way to much when I blog. I still don’t know if Jack is still dating his girlfriend and if he is, I am a trash person. I don’t know how to know for sure. I have stalked social media and asked only trusted friends, but that came up empty. Maybe it just means that it is not meant to be. How do you know for sure? I went and got lunch with Ryan and it is like months apart doesn’t matter. Not that I want our friendship to be anything more than that. It is just that for some reason, we always find a way to laugh about things. Now I find myself watching awkward. If you haven’t watched it, it is the greatest teen show ever. It is funny because watching her blog made me realize that I needed to blog. I’ll keep up with it now, but I am not going to be able to blog every day. I really have missed talking to you all. My mom is going out of town and leaving me home for 5 days. I know I should totally throw a rave, but that is just not me. I think I am going to go to the pool because I could really use a destresser. Maybe I’ll blog tonight but I’ll see you soon

XOXO

tightrope

How do you know if you’ve just done something really wrong? Do you feel bad? Do you get sick? Well I think I’ve done something really wrong. Remember how I cancelled plans with Jack yesterday…well it turns out I didn’t get rid of him. He asked what I was doing tonight and I wasn’t going to lie, then that turned into us hanging out. Let me just settle that it was NOT a date. At least I don’t think it was. What even defines a date? So it began when he picked me up and we decided to get food, no big deal (it was a fast food place…nothing date like about that). Then he wanted to see a movie, that isn’t romantic, you can’t talk during a movie. Unfortunately or fortunately, not sure which one yet, no movies were playing at the time we went. He said he wanted to watch a certain movie, so we went back to my house. Turns out we didn’t watch the movie, we reminisced on our elementary school days and then we watched espn. There is no way that is romantic or a date right? I don’t know what to do, I meant to ask if he was still dating his girlfriend but it never came out. I need help and I don’t know what to do. Please anyone following…advice. I’m just confused and I don’t want to make a wrong choice. It was short, but I am going to go try to sort out my mind. Please comment, love you all

XOXO

fireworks?

I know I haven’t been consistent, I started out really well, but I’ve slacked lately. I dropped my phone in the pool today so it is basically an expensive paperweight. So many things to tell you, so I guess I will begin at the start of Independence Day. I woke up with a snap chat, remember that guy I was telling you about? The one that bought my meal and has a girlfriend? Well his name is Jack. So I woke up to a snapchat from Jack, which surprised me because we have NEVER snapchatted. We hadn’t even talked since the whole ice cream thing fell through. Either way, it was whatever, we sent the generic happy fourth pics. Then my best friend Sara who thankfully is back from her trip around the world, decided to skip the parade. I didn’t really care about that, but I was stuck with two 9 year old girls and a 13 year old…how am I supposed to define myself as an adult when I still have to sit with the kids. That is beside the point. When Sara and I got together, we had to go to her work for a miserable five hours and I didn’t even get paid. That is how you know your family is awful, when you’re willing to help someone work for free instead of spend family time together. So like all reckless teenagers, we decided to invest in fireworks, $85 worth to be exact, her dad bought $150 worth so we went all out. Also like girls, we didn’t want to shoot mortars, so we had to text around to some guy friends. Well I had to… Jack was out of town and I didn’t mean to restart our snapchat conversation, but it happened. We planned, well not planned, more like talked about shooting some fireworks tonight after the 4th since he got home a few hours before I posted this. Then today my phone broke, so no communication via text or call. That is another way to describe hell on earth. Also beside the point, I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place with Jack and I can’t talk to my friends. Except Sara, she doesn’t know Jack so it was irrelevant if she knows about our friendship or whatever we have. I don’t know what I am supposed to do, honestly I feel okay that my phone died today just because I don’t want to overstep any boundaries. He and his girlfriend have an odd relationship…I mean what girlfriend doesn’t go to her boyfriends graduation ceremony? If it were me I would be mad. Social media actually makes me want to strangle people more because stalking has been made easy. That is a very bad thing. When your ex-flirtationship decides to post pics of his “new bae” on insta, I’m kinda mad. He also wont mail me the lipstick I left at his house after prom… I don’t want to be with him, but I sure as hell don’t want him to text me about his new girl. That is just rude, or I’m too sensitive. I’m done with this rant/story time. I thought I owed you a comprehensive post since I’ve been bad about my daily posts, but I’m getting back on track

XOXO

still there?

I know I didn’t post, you can thank my mother. She felt the need to ground me from electronics. I know it sounds like I am making excuses, but sometimes you just can’t blog, right? Anyway, bigger issues in my life. Snapchat…who decided that was a good idea? Sure it is cute to send a 3 second picture of something to a friend, but that something should not be in your no no squares (remember that song from elementary schools). Honestly I don’t care if you send them or whatever but not to me. Last year I went to camp, no big deal. This sophomore decided to stalk em for my snapchat… creepy but still okay. Now I get weekly dick pics. Let me just put it out there to all of you reading, if you have to take a picture like that from an obscene and unnatural angle with bad lighting, you are probably not well equipped or you are insecure with your body. Also I’ll point out that you shouldn’t be insecure with your body, boys and girls alike. We all come in different sizes and we can’t all be Gisele Bündchen. It is sad that I don’t know if I am more jealous of Tom Brady for being married to Gisele or Giselle for being married to Tom Brady. I’ll fully admit that Tom Brady might be the greatest gift from god. Plus he is a Michigan Man, how can you argue with that? Super off topic, but that is just the way my mind works. What I should be doing is getting in shape or at least off the couch. Staying motivated sucks, I can’t even get myself to run for more than 15 minutes. I am the type of person to pin a workout, do it once, then never look at it again. This happens approximately once a month and that is not good. I’m just saying, I wanna look hot in college. Sure it is sexist and gender stereotypes, but every girl is looking for a husband or wife or whoever (whatever floats your boat) to support them. Night

XOXO

want vs need

I’m trying to post from my phone because my computer decided to randomly shut down. excuse my lack of capitalization since I have my autocapitalizion off on my phone. want versus need sounds pretty basic. need includes food, water, shelter. want is supposed to be anything else. I find this troubling because I think I need company or I’ll go insane, I need to make money to achieve my other needs, and I need red bull (how else am I supposed to have energy?). right now I’m in the process of limiting down what my needs and wants are but that isn’t easy. I need lots of things and I want even more. I won’t even begin to rant about that or you would be reading until 2016. what I really don’t get is the pressure on a girl to have a certain appearance- big boobs, big butt, skinny waist, fully shaved and /or waxed. all of that just so we can be beautiful in the eyes of society. being a girl sucks. I hate having to wax all of my body just so that I don’t feel like chewbacca when walking down the street and I hate spending 10 minutes on makeup to not look like a cast member of the walking dead. the worst part is that it still hasn’t helped me find a significant other. I can’t help but think it is because maybe even with my efforts I’m just not good enough. night world

XOXO

sorry

I know I didn’t blog yesterday, I won’t make up an excuse. It wasn’t that I forgot, I just didn’t know what to say. Does that ever happen to you? You just don’t have an idea of what you should say. Well that was me last night. Today might have been the worst day of my life, well at least one that attests to my bad luck. I decided I would go to the pool, no big deal. 1:30, the sun is out and it is hot as hell. 1:50, I reach the pool and swim. 2:00, flood warning level rains. It came on immediately and the thunder was loud enough to make my ears cringe. I sat in the disgusting, spider web infested bathroom for 10 minutes before realizing that I needed to get home. My lack of a car was perfect and it was a 20 minute walk home when power walking. I actually ran barefoot through my neighborhood to get home under bullets of rain. I dropped my phone in a puddle and barely saved it from a trip down the storm drain. The worst part of it all was that I was in a bikini in front of every car that passed me by. But wait, it gets better, my mom is ditching me on July 4th weekend for her fiancee. That is the new normal now, so I guess I am not surprised. Wow I am just now realizing how pathetic my life is. On the positive side, I started Paper Towns today, I figured I would read it before the movie came out because I love John Green. I know myself well enough that if I were to watch the movie, I would never read the book, even if the book is substantially better than the movie. That is real 2015 laziness right there.I’ll apologize again for not blogging yesterday, but I am so amazed that there are 50 people following my blog, you are all amazing and I love that you are on this journey with me.

XOXO