an exclusive flirtationship

So I know nobody reads this and nobody really cares, but I have some things to say. Halloween, I guess you could say that N and I had our first semi-bad fight. Drunk people do NOT make good decisions and obviously that applies to me. I got separated from N so I may have asked my friends to come help me find him again, however this turned into us holding hands and that did not sit well with him. I know you’re probably thinking slut or something, but nothing happened at all, I just wanted to be with him and being alone at a college party is not a good situation.

What I really want is to be dating N, like really dating not this exclusive relationship we have right now. Sure it is nice to know that we are exclusive, but I want more. I would also like to think that he wants more but I’m not sure. He is great and puts up with me and somehow he still likes me, if that isn’t perfect, I don’t know what is. I’m meeting his family next week, but I am so nervous I am just praying I don’t mess it up. First impressions are hard and I can’t imagine if I messed it up, we would never be anything ever again.

College is hard, not the work, the decisions. I just want to make the right ones but I know that I am probably not. I drink to much, party too much, and study too little. I don’t know how to accept that N is graduating in the spring and I will still be here in college. it isn’t the age that bothers me, it is that he could be across the nation in Washington without me. I’ll be left in Florida, literally the opposite end of the continental united states. how do I deal with that?

I’m sure nobody is reading but if someone is, thank you and I appreciate that you probably care about me more than 80% of the people in my life

-XOXO

when in doubt, blog it out

I know I’ve been gone for awhile, but I have some serious issues that I can’t figure out. As you know, I am home alone for the week and without any means of transportation, it gets boring. So I did what any bored girl would do, phone a friend. Sara and I are hanging out Sunday, but I asked Jack to hang out yesterday (wednesday). I really wanted to blog then, but no lie, my wifi crashed. If he knew about this blog he would vouch for me because netflix was completely broken. I still don’t know if he is still with his girlfriend or not and I am too scared to find out. I don’t know if I like him or what. I mean we get along and we are always able to laugh but also talk about typically awkward things and it isn’t awkward. So that means we are fit to be best friends or boyfriend. I don’t know where my head is at and I thought that blogging would help me decide but I can’t. If he is still dating someone, I would never be able to forgive myself because it isn’t like we are doing anything other than hanging out, but if I were dating him I wouldn’t be okay with it.Then there is my dad, I love him but I hate to see him suffer. My divorced parents live very separate lives, so I see two sides of the spectrum. My mom is the accountant type who carefully plans out financial purchases, but my dad has a low income and barely makes it by. He stopped paying child support years ago because “it was just too much”. What am I supposed to say to that? Honestly if you have read “Death of a Salesman”, my dad is the 21st century Willy Loman. It is sad and I can’t see him like this, it kills me. I know I can’t do anything about it because I don’t make money currently, I am a starving student. My life is just falling apart at the seams and it seems like you are the only people I can talk about it with. I really don’t know what to do about Jack though, I feel like we’re close already and we have really only been friends since prom. Isn’t it weird how you could go to the same school as someone since third grade and never speak to them until April of your senior year in high school. So world hear my shout to the void, I am lost and in need of guidance. I’m insecure and afraid of rejection and devastation. Honestly, the more people reassure me, the less I am sure of myself. Which I know is completely contradictory, but it is the truth. I’m Asian, but I was nowhere near valedictorian, so am I really that smart? I don’t think I’m completely repulsive, but that doesn’t make me pretty. I know I’m not fat, but Victoria’s Secret isn’t calling me up anytime. I am literally the epitome of average and I guess that is why I have been 18 years single. For the record, I have only lived 18 years. Well I guess I haven’t been single the entire time, but my minuscule boyfriends were literally just people in my life that I said a maximum of five words to. What is wrong with me and why is my timing always wrong. I’ve known of Jack for 9 of my 18 years on this planet and when we finally become friends he may or may not have a girlfriend in the picture. Wow this blogging thing really is cathartic, I do actually find myself talking into answers. I can’t just ask him if he is still dating his girlfriend, that would just screw up everything. I honestly don’t know what I am going to do because part of me knows we have good chemistry, the other part of me doesn’t know which kind. I need help, sleep, and a clear head. At this rate, sleep is all I will be getting.

XOXO