an exclusive flirtationship

So I know nobody reads this and nobody really cares, but I have some things to say. Halloween, I guess you could say that N and I had our first semi-bad fight. Drunk people do NOT make good decisions and obviously that applies to me. I got separated from N so I may have asked my friends to come help me find him again, however this turned into us holding hands and that did not sit well with him. I know you’re probably thinking slut or something, but nothing happened at all, I just wanted to be with him and being alone at a college party is not a good situation.

What I really want is to be dating N, like really dating not this exclusive relationship we have right now. Sure it is nice to know that we are exclusive, but I want more. I would also like to think that he wants more but I’m not sure. He is great and puts up with me and somehow he still likes me, if that isn’t perfect, I don’t know what is. I’m meeting his family next week, but I am so nervous I am just praying I don’t mess it up. First impressions are hard and I can’t imagine if I messed it up, we would never be anything ever again.

College is hard, not the work, the decisions. I just want to make the right ones but I know that I am probably not. I drink to much, party too much, and study too little. I don’t know how to accept that N is graduating in the spring and I will still be here in college. it isn’t the age that bothers me, it is that he could be across the nation in Washington without me. I’ll be left in Florida, literally the opposite end of the continental united states. how do I deal with that?

I’m sure nobody is reading but if someone is, thank you and I appreciate that you probably care about me more than 80% of the people in my life

-XOXO

when in doubt, blog it out

I know I’ve been gone for awhile, but I have some serious issues that I can’t figure out. As you know, I am home alone for the week and without any means of transportation, it gets boring. So I did what any bored girl would do, phone a friend. Sara and I are hanging out Sunday, but I asked Jack to hang out yesterday (wednesday). I really wanted to blog then, but no lie, my wifi crashed. If he knew about this blog he would vouch for me because netflix was completely broken. I still don’t know if he is still with his girlfriend or not and I am too scared to find out. I don’t know if I like him or what. I mean we get along and we are always able to laugh but also talk about typically awkward things and it isn’t awkward. So that means we are fit to be best friends or boyfriend. I don’t know where my head is at and I thought that blogging would help me decide but I can’t. If he is still dating someone, I would never be able to forgive myself because it isn’t like we are doing anything other than hanging out, but if I were dating him I wouldn’t be okay with it.Then there is my dad, I love him but I hate to see him suffer. My divorced parents live very separate lives, so I see two sides of the spectrum. My mom is the accountant type who carefully plans out financial purchases, but my dad has a low income and barely makes it by. He stopped paying child support years ago because “it was just too much”. What am I supposed to say to that? Honestly if you have read “Death of a Salesman”, my dad is the 21st century Willy Loman. It is sad and I can’t see him like this, it kills me. I know I can’t do anything about it because I don’t make money currently, I am a starving student. My life is just falling apart at the seams and it seems like you are the only people I can talk about it with. I really don’t know what to do about Jack though, I feel like we’re close already and we have really only been friends since prom. Isn’t it weird how you could go to the same school as someone since third grade and never speak to them until April of your senior year in high school. So world hear my shout to the void, I am lost and in need of guidance. I’m insecure and afraid of rejection and devastation. Honestly, the more people reassure me, the less I am sure of myself. Which I know is completely contradictory, but it is the truth. I’m Asian, but I was nowhere near valedictorian, so am I really that smart? I don’t think I’m completely repulsive, but that doesn’t make me pretty. I know I’m not fat, but Victoria’s Secret isn’t calling me up anytime. I am literally the epitome of average and I guess that is why I have been 18 years single. For the record, I have only lived 18 years. Well I guess I haven’t been single the entire time, but my minuscule boyfriends were literally just people in my life that I said a maximum of five words to. What is wrong with me and why is my timing always wrong. I’ve known of Jack for 9 of my 18 years on this planet and when we finally become friends he may or may not have a girlfriend in the picture. Wow this blogging thing really is cathartic, I do actually find myself talking into answers. I can’t just ask him if he is still dating his girlfriend, that would just screw up everything. I honestly don’t know what I am going to do because part of me knows we have good chemistry, the other part of me doesn’t know which kind. I need help, sleep, and a clear head. At this rate, sleep is all I will be getting.

XOXO

tightrope

How do you know if you’ve just done something really wrong? Do you feel bad? Do you get sick? Well I think I’ve done something really wrong. Remember how I cancelled plans with Jack yesterday…well it turns out I didn’t get rid of him. He asked what I was doing tonight and I wasn’t going to lie, then that turned into us hanging out. Let me just settle that it was NOT a date. At least I don’t think it was. What even defines a date? So it began when he picked me up and we decided to get food, no big deal (it was a fast food place…nothing date like about that). Then he wanted to see a movie, that isn’t romantic, you can’t talk during a movie. Unfortunately or fortunately, not sure which one yet, no movies were playing at the time we went. He said he wanted to watch a certain movie, so we went back to my house. Turns out we didn’t watch the movie, we reminisced on our elementary school days and then we watched espn. There is no way that is romantic or a date right? I don’t know what to do, I meant to ask if he was still dating his girlfriend but it never came out. I need help and I don’t know what to do. Please anyone following…advice. I’m just confused and I don’t want to make a wrong choice. It was short, but I am going to go try to sort out my mind. Please comment, love you all

XOXO

sorry

I know I didn’t blog yesterday, I won’t make up an excuse. It wasn’t that I forgot, I just didn’t know what to say. Does that ever happen to you? You just don’t have an idea of what you should say. Well that was me last night. Today might have been the worst day of my life, well at least one that attests to my bad luck. I decided I would go to the pool, no big deal. 1:30, the sun is out and it is hot as hell. 1:50, I reach the pool and swim. 2:00, flood warning level rains. It came on immediately and the thunder was loud enough to make my ears cringe. I sat in the disgusting, spider web infested bathroom for 10 minutes before realizing that I needed to get home. My lack of a car was perfect and it was a 20 minute walk home when power walking. I actually ran barefoot through my neighborhood to get home under bullets of rain. I dropped my phone in a puddle and barely saved it from a trip down the storm drain. The worst part of it all was that I was in a bikini in front of every car that passed me by. But wait, it gets better, my mom is ditching me on July 4th weekend for her fiancee. That is the new normal now, so I guess I am not surprised. Wow I am just now realizing how pathetic my life is. On the positive side, I started Paper Towns today, I figured I would read it before the movie came out because I love John Green. I know myself well enough that if I were to watch the movie, I would never read the book, even if the book is substantially better than the movie. That is real 2015 laziness right there.I’ll apologize again for not blogging yesterday, but I am so amazed that there are 50 people following my blog, you are all amazing and I love that you are on this journey with me.

XOXO

no filter

I would say I have done a good job of telling the truth on this blog. I haven’t left out any details except those that would immediately identify me. Even though this is true, something just feels wrong. I have never liked lying and I have done a pretty good job about not doing it, so this is new to me. I promise everything is true but names and very minute details. Today was just awesome (I don’t know if you could sense my sarcasm or not). I had plans, I know shocker, but they got cancelled. Rain checks are all too common for me. Either way, plans were cancelled and my mom’s fiancee decided we should have a family movie night. There was only one thing to do in this situation…fake sick. So here I am lying in my bed pretending to be dying of stomach pain. I know I said I didn’t like lying, so don’t criticize me; but sometimes you have to lie because that is what is best for you. Right now, faking sick is best for me. Tonight I need to go through my dresser and clear out all of my clothes to decide what to put back. This is the worst thing about going to college across the country, I can only take so much stuff. Even if I was going to college down the street, we are moving houses so cleaning is a must. I guess this is a metaphor for my life, I need to clean out my life. I need to get rid of the friends that drag me down and clear out the negativity. I sound like a buddhist guru right now, excuse my cliche. But for real, clearing out negativity is a lot harder than it seems. I just added more negativity to my life, so I’m going to start cleaning things since the movie is over. I’ll talk to you tomorrow

XOXO

bad to the bone

What defines a bad person? the things we’ve done, the things we think, or the things we dream. I’ve been a bad person, I’ve broken promises, been overly blunt, and I’ve thought things I shouldn’t have. Today has been a long day and I’m feeling like a bad person. I found out that Mary Ann has been sending her nudes around to all of our friends. How do you reign in a slut? Don’t get me wrong, I love her, but I can’t always be her mother. It isn’t my job to always be there for her when she screws up, but for some reason I have been. I don’t see the fascination with sending nudes and everything to guys. It sounds cliche, but they are never safe. I’ve seen it happen to my friends, so I know it is real. I can’t handle my life and hers at the same time. I shouldn’t know she is sending nudes, but I guess I have good friends…I don’t know if that makes him a good friend. But no matter what she is doing, I am a bad person. Texting jokes turned into plans and that shouldn’t have happened. I didn’t mean to make plans with another girls boyfriend, if you’ve read my blogs then you will know that he is the one who bought me dinner. Now we have plans to have an eat off, who can down the most milk. Super romantic, I know. It isn’t supposed to be and it isn’t, but why does it feel so wrong. Do I cancel? I don’t know what to do about this, it makes me feel bad just typing it, so I’ll stop and go to sleep

Comments are always welcome, I love hearing from you

XOXO

trip down memory lane

Today I finally opened and read through my yearbook. I’ve always had the habit of waiting until summer to read what anyone wrote in my yearbook. To me, yearbook signatures are meant to be there for you for when you miss people. I won’t lie, I cried. I am about to close the biggest chapter of my life to start a new one that will basically never intersect with my high school life. Only one other person from my school is attending college with me and I am sure a business/engineering major won’t be seeing a quantum physics major anytime soon. The thing about senior year is that every signature means something special, they aren’t just ‘see you next year, have a great summer’ comments anymore. They are deeper, there is meaning and maybe it is just me, but I’m very emotional now. Most of these people I won’t see or talk to again, for some that is a good thing, but for others it breaks my heart. All of the people you promise to keep in your life and then don’t. There was so much useless hate in my high school and I know I am not innocent. It amazes me how the kid I had in one class for one semester managed to make me cry with a simple paragraph in my yearbook. Right now, I am a jumbled mess of sad and happy and scared. I know I say that I am a mess in almost every post, but if you knew me, you would agree with me. I guess what is really pressing on me is that my mother is selling my house to one of my least favorite people in the world. Tomorrow they are coming to inspect the house and it will be nothing short of hell. Imagine the biggest control freak in your life and now multiply it by one thousand and that is this girls mother. I’ll stop myself before I get too nasty. Sleep well

XOXO

redemption?

I just read over my attempt at a blog post last night and I actually think I hate myself a little. I don’t even think I was coherent when attempting to write that post and now I worry for my sanity. Today I cleaned out my entire room which meant a lot of cleaning out my life. It feels like a big burden has been lifted off of me and now I am in a safe space. Those sentences probably sound like I love cleaning, but believe me, I think I would rather read Hamlet than clean. Although if I am stressed, hit me up because I will clean are reorganize anything I can get my hands on.

Who, What, When, Where, Why… These questions haunt me in my sleep. When I tell people what I am doing with my life it is easy, I am an 18 year old teenage emotionally unstable girl who is planning to become an engineer at a college in the continental united states. The why gets me every time. Why did I choose my college? I got rejected by my top choice, so I chose the rival school, but I can’t tell anyone that. Therefore, I pull out the whole, it is a great school with awesome opportunities and people don’t question me further. Why do I want to be an engineer? Money, stability, and money, I plan to drive a black range rover by my 10th reunion, but I also can’t tell college essays I want to make money. They expect some fancy, “it is my passion and it will help me achieve world peace”, so that is what I say, but obviously leaving out the world peace nonsense. The essay that really stumped me was ‘what are your goals and why’. This is an easy question to answer at first, my goals are to make money, have a roof, drive a car, and be happy. The conflict is that money and happiness are usually two separate circles on a venn diagram. I grew up with people telling me you can’t have both and it is starting to seem that way. We all want the same things, the why and how is what makes us unique. I still don’t know why exactly I want those things, but I know that I’ll give up something along the way. The followup question of why haunts me everyday because I can’t change my choice of college, but every time I am asked why I chose it, I feel less secure about my choice. If I am going to be completely honest, I only applied to my school because of a boy, G lives there and he convinced me. I never thought I would pick it but I did and I didn’t get into my top choice. G isn’t even going there, he chose Kentucky. My biggest fear is that I chose wrong and not even orientation solidified my feelings about school.

Does anyone ever know the answer to why? If you think you do, you’re probably lying or you are god. I guess it is okay not to know right now, but the fear of not knowing is eating me alive right now.

I hope I gained redemption for my awful post last night and thanks for sticking with me

XOXO

father’s day

Let me get sentimental for a bit because today is Father’s Day. Today I learned that before my grandfather died, my dad spoke to him on the phone and my grandmother asked my father to come to New York to see him. My father declined and my grandpa died three days later. It is really cliche, but you really don’t know how much time you have with people, even if they are young. I never gave my grandpa a proper goodbye and now he is gone. So let me propose a challenge, I’ll participate too, take every moment to show the people in your life that you love and appreciate them. I’ve had a rocky relationship with my dad, but at the end of the day, he tries his hardest. I guess that I have learned that people show love in different ways. Unfortunately, those aren’t always compatible. I don’t cry often, but when I think about the sacrifices my parents have made for me, I can’t stop the tears. I never thought that blogging would get so deep for me or that I would ever be able to keep it up. I’m considering doing the 100 happy days competition soon, but I’m not quite sure. I am really hoping to be happier this year and stop focusing on all of the bad stuff in my life. Every day really is a gift and I intend to use it. I hope that everyone had a great Father’s Day and don’t forget to tell your dad you love them. I’ll also say that I love all of you for just listening to the things I write and it gives me an odd sense that someone is out there that cares. Thanks for everything

XOXO

life in the bubble

Living in the suburbs is basically like living in your own personal hell; you can’t escape and you are basically isolated from the world. When you blog, do you ever find it hard to not give away details that would point to who you are? I do. The real issue with suburbs is that only one viewpoint exists and where I live, that viewpoint is conservative. For example, my neighbors have a confederate flag flying outside their house because they believe that the south will avenge the civil war. Let me just point out that whatever race, gender, religion, or political affiliation, there is NO justification for flying a flag that currently stands for racism and reminds a country of slavery. I don’t believe in the bullshit answer that it is states rights. If you want to fly a state’s rights flag, fly the 10th amendment. I’m sure you’ve inferred many things about my political views, but I don’t really care how you see me. Some will agree and some will just have to agree to disagree. Off my tangent, living in my bubble means that news travels fast. Remember my friend with the revealing pictures, well those pictures happened to get around to some of our friends and parents. I’m sure I won’t be seeing Mary Ann around much. With Southern Baptist parents, pictures of you giving a guy head when you are supposed to be at church camp, doesn’t really go well. She is now on parent declared house arrest with no phone, car, or computer. She is literally in a bubble inside of a bubble (Maybe that is where double bubble got its bubblegum name from). I went over to see her today and it was actually depressing, like imagine Bella Swan in the New Moon movie where she sits in a chair all day. The worst part is that she won’t admit she is at fault, so can you tell a friend she was being a ho? I guess I should really start at the beginning of her story so you’ll understand. Mary Ann was dating a guy and I’ll point out that they determined their compatibility by their grinding skills at a school dance. Very deep, I agree. Fast forward to 8 months later; my best friend is no longer a virgin and feels the need to pressure me to take those steps too. Fast forward to a month before prom and she breaks up with him because “he just didn’t care”. Being friends with both of them means that I am torn both ways. I’ve seen the texts and I don’t think that not wanting to date in college (they are going to different colleges) isn’t not caring. If it were me I would rather know before I tried to change colleges to be with someone. The worst part was that she acted like the victim and refused to come to school for a week. How she got into her current predicament follows because she was on a chaotic search for a prom date (all the single ladies were). In a month period, she blew 4 guys, had sex with 3, and managed to keep each of the guys from finding out that she was with 4 guys at the same time. How she ended up picking a nasty college kid who only showed up for free booze is still unknown. The real kicker is that the guy that took the picture wasn’t even one of the four. Wow this is really starting to sound like it should be a soap opera or a teen drama. So now you can fast forward to now and I am trying to pick up the pieces of her shattered relationships because she won’t own up to anything. I’m lost and I’ve been cleaning nonstop to keep my mind off of this, but it was nice to get it out on the internet. Good thing she doesn’t have a computer to read this.