an exclusive flirtationship

So I know nobody reads this and nobody really cares, but I have some things to say. Halloween, I guess you could say that N and I had our first semi-bad fight. Drunk people do NOT make good decisions and obviously that applies to me. I got separated from N so I may have asked my friends to come help me find him again, however this turned into us holding hands and that did not sit well with him. I know you’re probably thinking slut or something, but nothing happened at all, I just wanted to be with him and being alone at a college party is not a good situation.

What I really want is to be dating N, like really dating not this exclusive relationship we have right now. Sure it is nice to know that we are exclusive, but I want more. I would also like to think that he wants more but I’m not sure. He is great and puts up with me and somehow he still likes me, if that isn’t perfect, I don’t know what is. I’m meeting his family next week, but I am so nervous I am just praying I don’t mess it up. First impressions are hard and I can’t imagine if I messed it up, we would never be anything ever again.

College is hard, not the work, the decisions. I just want to make the right ones but I know that I am probably not. I drink to much, party too much, and study too little. I don’t know how to accept that N is graduating in the spring and I will still be here in college. it isn’t the age that bothers me, it is that he could be across the nation in Washington without me. I’ll be left in Florida, literally the opposite end of the continental united states. how do I deal with that?

I’m sure nobody is reading but if someone is, thank you and I appreciate that you probably care about me more than 80% of the people in my life

-XOXO

tightrope

How do you know if you’ve just done something really wrong? Do you feel bad? Do you get sick? Well I think I’ve done something really wrong. Remember how I cancelled plans with Jack yesterday…well it turns out I didn’t get rid of him. He asked what I was doing tonight and I wasn’t going to lie, then that turned into us hanging out. Let me just settle that it was NOT a date. At least I don’t think it was. What even defines a date? So it began when he picked me up and we decided to get food, no big deal (it was a fast food place…nothing date like about that). Then he wanted to see a movie, that isn’t romantic, you can’t talk during a movie. Unfortunately or fortunately, not sure which one yet, no movies were playing at the time we went. He said he wanted to watch a certain movie, so we went back to my house. Turns out we didn’t watch the movie, we reminisced on our elementary school days and then we watched espn. There is no way that is romantic or a date right? I don’t know what to do, I meant to ask if he was still dating his girlfriend but it never came out. I need help and I don’t know what to do. Please anyone following…advice. I’m just confused and I don’t want to make a wrong choice. It was short, but I am going to go try to sort out my mind. Please comment, love you all

XOXO

sorry

I know I didn’t blog yesterday, I won’t make up an excuse. It wasn’t that I forgot, I just didn’t know what to say. Does that ever happen to you? You just don’t have an idea of what you should say. Well that was me last night. Today might have been the worst day of my life, well at least one that attests to my bad luck. I decided I would go to the pool, no big deal. 1:30, the sun is out and it is hot as hell. 1:50, I reach the pool and swim. 2:00, flood warning level rains. It came on immediately and the thunder was loud enough to make my ears cringe. I sat in the disgusting, spider web infested bathroom for 10 minutes before realizing that I needed to get home. My lack of a car was perfect and it was a 20 minute walk home when power walking. I actually ran barefoot through my neighborhood to get home under bullets of rain. I dropped my phone in a puddle and barely saved it from a trip down the storm drain. The worst part of it all was that I was in a bikini in front of every car that passed me by. But wait, it gets better, my mom is ditching me on July 4th weekend for her fiancee. That is the new normal now, so I guess I am not surprised. Wow I am just now realizing how pathetic my life is. On the positive side, I started Paper Towns today, I figured I would read it before the movie came out because I love John Green. I know myself well enough that if I were to watch the movie, I would never read the book, even if the book is substantially better than the movie. That is real 2015 laziness right there.I’ll apologize again for not blogging yesterday, but I am so amazed that there are 50 people following my blog, you are all amazing and I love that you are on this journey with me.

XOXO

no filter

I would say I have done a good job of telling the truth on this blog. I haven’t left out any details except those that would immediately identify me. Even though this is true, something just feels wrong. I have never liked lying and I have done a pretty good job about not doing it, so this is new to me. I promise everything is true but names and very minute details. Today was just awesome (I don’t know if you could sense my sarcasm or not). I had plans, I know shocker, but they got cancelled. Rain checks are all too common for me. Either way, plans were cancelled and my mom’s fiancee decided we should have a family movie night. There was only one thing to do in this situation…fake sick. So here I am lying in my bed pretending to be dying of stomach pain. I know I said I didn’t like lying, so don’t criticize me; but sometimes you have to lie because that is what is best for you. Right now, faking sick is best for me. Tonight I need to go through my dresser and clear out all of my clothes to decide what to put back. This is the worst thing about going to college across the country, I can only take so much stuff. Even if I was going to college down the street, we are moving houses so cleaning is a must. I guess this is a metaphor for my life, I need to clean out my life. I need to get rid of the friends that drag me down and clear out the negativity. I sound like a buddhist guru right now, excuse my cliche. But for real, clearing out negativity is a lot harder than it seems. I just added more negativity to my life, so I’m going to start cleaning things since the movie is over. I’ll talk to you tomorrow

XOXO

good morning sunshine

It is 8:22 and I got approximately 3 hours of sleep last night. Why? Because some people stress clean and I am one of those people. I’ve never posted this early because usually my thoughts come out at night, but I am about to show my house to a woman who I absolutely abhor. She could pose as Cruella de Vil and I nobody would question her. Her name even goes with the song! I won’t tell you because google makes my blog easier to find. So now that I am awake and ready to fake smile for the rest of the day, I need a red bull. Some part of me wishes that she would hate the house and decide to pass on the opportunity, but another part of me just wants this whole house selling nonsense to be over. I also found out last night that my mom’s honeymoon is going to be my graduation trip that we cancelled. That’s right people, you heard it here, the Italy trip I had dreamed about since age 9 was shattered this summer when my mom said “we just can’t do it this year, I’m sure you will make it to Italy some time in your life”, then yesterday she tells my friends that is where she will have her honeymoon while I am away in college. Sorry for my run on sentence, but I have never felt so betrayed. That is another reason why I don’t like him when she asks me. The worst part is that she has changed so much that she can’t even see it. Never did the shows I watch or the things I do bother her, but now she acts like I am a delinquent that is always out getting high. I never gave her reason to think that and suddenly this new man has her thinking I deserve to be on death row. But I have an inspection to oversee, so I’ll probably be back tonight to share. I never thought blogging would be this fulfilling for me, but it is and I thank every one of my subscribers or those who just come across my blog. It is more to me than you will ever know

XOXO

trip down memory lane

Today I finally opened and read through my yearbook. I’ve always had the habit of waiting until summer to read what anyone wrote in my yearbook. To me, yearbook signatures are meant to be there for you for when you miss people. I won’t lie, I cried. I am about to close the biggest chapter of my life to start a new one that will basically never intersect with my high school life. Only one other person from my school is attending college with me and I am sure a business/engineering major won’t be seeing a quantum physics major anytime soon. The thing about senior year is that every signature means something special, they aren’t just ‘see you next year, have a great summer’ comments anymore. They are deeper, there is meaning and maybe it is just me, but I’m very emotional now. Most of these people I won’t see or talk to again, for some that is a good thing, but for others it breaks my heart. All of the people you promise to keep in your life and then don’t. There was so much useless hate in my high school and I know I am not innocent. It amazes me how the kid I had in one class for one semester managed to make me cry with a simple paragraph in my yearbook. Right now, I am a jumbled mess of sad and happy and scared. I know I say that I am a mess in almost every post, but if you knew me, you would agree with me. I guess what is really pressing on me is that my mother is selling my house to one of my least favorite people in the world. Tomorrow they are coming to inspect the house and it will be nothing short of hell. Imagine the biggest control freak in your life and now multiply it by one thousand and that is this girls mother. I’ll stop myself before I get too nasty. Sleep well

XOXO

redemption?

I just read over my attempt at a blog post last night and I actually think I hate myself a little. I don’t even think I was coherent when attempting to write that post and now I worry for my sanity. Today I cleaned out my entire room which meant a lot of cleaning out my life. It feels like a big burden has been lifted off of me and now I am in a safe space. Those sentences probably sound like I love cleaning, but believe me, I think I would rather read Hamlet than clean. Although if I am stressed, hit me up because I will clean are reorganize anything I can get my hands on.

Who, What, When, Where, Why… These questions haunt me in my sleep. When I tell people what I am doing with my life it is easy, I am an 18 year old teenage emotionally unstable girl who is planning to become an engineer at a college in the continental united states. The why gets me every time. Why did I choose my college? I got rejected by my top choice, so I chose the rival school, but I can’t tell anyone that. Therefore, I pull out the whole, it is a great school with awesome opportunities and people don’t question me further. Why do I want to be an engineer? Money, stability, and money, I plan to drive a black range rover by my 10th reunion, but I also can’t tell college essays I want to make money. They expect some fancy, “it is my passion and it will help me achieve world peace”, so that is what I say, but obviously leaving out the world peace nonsense. The essay that really stumped me was ‘what are your goals and why’. This is an easy question to answer at first, my goals are to make money, have a roof, drive a car, and be happy. The conflict is that money and happiness are usually two separate circles on a venn diagram. I grew up with people telling me you can’t have both and it is starting to seem that way. We all want the same things, the why and how is what makes us unique. I still don’t know why exactly I want those things, but I know that I’ll give up something along the way. The followup question of why haunts me everyday because I can’t change my choice of college, but every time I am asked why I chose it, I feel less secure about my choice. If I am going to be completely honest, I only applied to my school because of a boy, G lives there and he convinced me. I never thought I would pick it but I did and I didn’t get into my top choice. G isn’t even going there, he chose Kentucky. My biggest fear is that I chose wrong and not even orientation solidified my feelings about school.

Does anyone ever know the answer to why? If you think you do, you’re probably lying or you are god. I guess it is okay not to know right now, but the fear of not knowing is eating me alive right now.

I hope I gained redemption for my awful post last night and thanks for sticking with me

XOXO

life in the bubble

Living in the suburbs is basically like living in your own personal hell; you can’t escape and you are basically isolated from the world. When you blog, do you ever find it hard to not give away details that would point to who you are? I do. The real issue with suburbs is that only one viewpoint exists and where I live, that viewpoint is conservative. For example, my neighbors have a confederate flag flying outside their house because they believe that the south will avenge the civil war. Let me just point out that whatever race, gender, religion, or political affiliation, there is NO justification for flying a flag that currently stands for racism and reminds a country of slavery. I don’t believe in the bullshit answer that it is states rights. If you want to fly a state’s rights flag, fly the 10th amendment. I’m sure you’ve inferred many things about my political views, but I don’t really care how you see me. Some will agree and some will just have to agree to disagree. Off my tangent, living in my bubble means that news travels fast. Remember my friend with the revealing pictures, well those pictures happened to get around to some of our friends and parents. I’m sure I won’t be seeing Mary Ann around much. With Southern Baptist parents, pictures of you giving a guy head when you are supposed to be at church camp, doesn’t really go well. She is now on parent declared house arrest with no phone, car, or computer. She is literally in a bubble inside of a bubble (Maybe that is where double bubble got its bubblegum name from). I went over to see her today and it was actually depressing, like imagine Bella Swan in the New Moon movie where she sits in a chair all day. The worst part is that she won’t admit she is at fault, so can you tell a friend she was being a ho? I guess I should really start at the beginning of her story so you’ll understand. Mary Ann was dating a guy and I’ll point out that they determined their compatibility by their grinding skills at a school dance. Very deep, I agree. Fast forward to 8 months later; my best friend is no longer a virgin and feels the need to pressure me to take those steps too. Fast forward to a month before prom and she breaks up with him because “he just didn’t care”. Being friends with both of them means that I am torn both ways. I’ve seen the texts and I don’t think that not wanting to date in college (they are going to different colleges) isn’t not caring. If it were me I would rather know before I tried to change colleges to be with someone. The worst part was that she acted like the victim and refused to come to school for a week. How she got into her current predicament follows because she was on a chaotic search for a prom date (all the single ladies were). In a month period, she blew 4 guys, had sex with 3, and managed to keep each of the guys from finding out that she was with 4 guys at the same time. How she ended up picking a nasty college kid who only showed up for free booze is still unknown. The real kicker is that the guy that took the picture wasn’t even one of the four. Wow this is really starting to sound like it should be a soap opera or a teen drama. So now you can fast forward to now and I am trying to pick up the pieces of her shattered relationships because she won’t own up to anything. I’m lost and I’ve been cleaning nonstop to keep my mind off of this, but it was nice to get it out on the internet. Good thing she doesn’t have a computer to read this.

late night philosophy thoughts

It is 11:11 when I’ll be posting, so I wish for peace. Sure that is generic and sounds like it belongs in the Miss Congeniality movie, but it is completely true. I haven’t gotten any time to rest my mind because one thing after another and I am overwhelmed. Have you ever had sleep paralysis? I have and it is the scariest thing ever. I must be really stressed because this only happens when my body is trying to tell me that I am stressed. I was writing a scholarship application about my goals and to be honest, I can’t remember the last time I actually thought about my short term goals. In the end, we all want the same things, stability, love, and happiness. How we achieve those things is what defines us. Sure I want to marry an Christian Grey who doesn’t want to domestically abuse me and I want a house that I could get lost in, but does that make me happy, probably not. As I’ve been reading (yes I actually read in the summer, even I am surprised), I have grown more interested in philosophy. Do you ever think about why you are alive? Is there some greater reason than procreation? I watched the movie Remember Me for the first time tonight and it really has me thinking about a quote my mom used to always say to me. The main character begins his narration with this quote and my mind has been racing thinking about it. I’m sure you didn’t start reading my blog to hear me get all philosophical, but here it is anyway.

My favorite quote of all time:

Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it

–Mahatma Gandhi

Growing up, this quote always seemed contradictory to me; if everything in life amounts to nothing, logically you shouldn’t do it. After 18 years on this planet, it finally clicked. In the end we are just specks of dust in the timeline of life, but each of us is an integral part of that timeline. When we live, we think that our lives mean nothing, that we are just another number. What I think Gandhi is trying to convey is that each of our lives serves a purpose maybe just to those around us or on a global scale, but that is why it is important that we do it. All life contains the ability to touch another and everything we do impacts those around us. It is the butterfly effect, what we do is insignificant, but the effect around the world is incredible. Maybe that is what this blog is, my insignificant shout to the void may be something important at least to one person out there. If my blog can touch one person or even nobody at all, it was important to me to share my feelings. So when the main character states that our fingerprints never fade from the lives we’ve touched, that is the point Gandhi is trying to make. This could be completely wrong but this is the epiphany I have come to while contemplating philosophy at night. For some reason, the later it gets, the more philosophical I get. So I guess the point of my rant was that I need to get out there and experience life more, for me.

XOXO

forgive but never forget

It is late and my mind is buzzing like a bee. I spent a lot of time thinking about what to write and how exactly to write it. I’ve never been the girl to be super outgoing or anything, so it doesn’t surprise me that I spend a lot of time with myself. I won’t pretend that I am some hot blonde with a Victoria’s Secret body that works out all the time because while I may want that, it is simply not true. I am an average brunette that is way below average in height with an average weight and a sub par body. I’m also completely okay with that because I am 99% sure nobody looks like a Victoria’s Secret model (not even the models themselves). I’ve tried everything, dieting, working out, water cleanses, but in the end, I love food. The point of this post wasn’t supposed to be to talk about my body insecurities or anything, but somehow it developed so I’ll keep it. What I wanted to talk about was my friends relationships. Remember yesterday and the guy with the pics? Yeah well my friend decided that he was really sorry and she believes that he won’t do it again. He said that he would have never sent them to anyone because he loves her. Excuse my French, but BULL SHIT. I just got forwarded that picture and trust me, you don’t want to see it. I can’t just tell her that I got the picture or she will give me the whole ‘you just don’t want us together spiel’ and I don’t have the energy for that. What am I supposed to do? Honestly I don’t care if you send nudes or whatever, that is your business, but it does NOT need to end up in my text messages.There are some things that you just can’t unsee. Also on the topic of nudes, a camp friend decided to send me his via snapchat…wow I totally wanted to see that. Not that I have the experience or anything to compare to, but if you take your pics at an obscenely odd angle, are you compensating for something? I think so. It is like guys with big trucks, 90% of the time, they compensate for something small, be it brains or another head. Sorry my blog has grown more sexual over time, but I am an 18 year old girl growing up in 2015, sex is our culture now. Just turn on Game of Thrones. I am not knocking Game of Thrones, it is definitely one of my top shows. What I don’t understand is why would someone from camp think that I could send my nudes back to him. Did I give him that impression because now we have a problem. This blog post is longer than I thought, but do you ever just need to get things off your chest? I do…obviously. The worst thing is that the one person I used to tell everything to is no longer in my life. Why does friend-zoning a friend mean that you are no longer friends? I had a valid reason and never led him on, but now we don’t even talk. I mean, how could I possibly have a relationship with someone that would still be in high school next year? I’ll be in college experiencing life and he will want me to come home for homecoming… If I were to enter a relationship it would have to be with someone going to college just because I need to know someone else would be experiencing the same things as me. I wouldn’t want to talk to him about the latest college events when he couldn’t relate. The thing that kills me is that we used to text 24/7 and it has been weeks. Honestly, I left my lipstick with him at prom and I want it back, but I’m a little too scared to ask because that could grow really awkward really fast. Okay I’m done, do you like longer posts or should I keep them short and sweet? Honestly if you comment, I can’t promise anything because I type what I think with no filter (except on language). See you tomorrow

XOXO