an exclusive flirtationship

So I know nobody reads this and nobody really cares, but I have some things to say. Halloween, I guess you could say that N and I had our first semi-bad fight. Drunk people do NOT make good decisions and obviously that applies to me. I got separated from N so I may have asked my friends to come help me find him again, however this turned into us holding hands and that did not sit well with him. I know you’re probably thinking slut or something, but nothing happened at all, I just wanted to be with him and being alone at a college party is not a good situation.

What I really want is to be dating N, like really dating not this exclusive relationship we have right now. Sure it is nice to know that we are exclusive, but I want more. I would also like to think that he wants more but I’m not sure. He is great and puts up with me and somehow he still likes me, if that isn’t perfect, I don’t know what is. I’m meeting his family next week, but I am so nervous I am just praying I don’t mess it up. First impressions are hard and I can’t imagine if I messed it up, we would never be anything ever again.

College is hard, not the work, the decisions. I just want to make the right ones but I know that I am probably not. I drink to much, party too much, and study too little. I don’t know how to accept that N is graduating in the spring and I will still be here in college. it isn’t the age that bothers me, it is that he could be across the nation in Washington without me. I’ll be left in Florida, literally the opposite end of the continental united states. how do I deal with that?

I’m sure nobody is reading but if someone is, thank you and I appreciate that you probably care about me more than 80% of the people in my life

-XOXO

when in doubt, blog it out

I know I’ve been gone for awhile, but I have some serious issues that I can’t figure out. As you know, I am home alone for the week and without any means of transportation, it gets boring. So I did what any bored girl would do, phone a friend. Sara and I are hanging out Sunday, but I asked Jack to hang out yesterday (wednesday). I really wanted to blog then, but no lie, my wifi crashed. If he knew about this blog he would vouch for me because netflix was completely broken. I still don’t know if he is still with his girlfriend or not and I am too scared to find out. I don’t know if I like him or what. I mean we get along and we are always able to laugh but also talk about typically awkward things and it isn’t awkward. So that means we are fit to be best friends or boyfriend. I don’t know where my head is at and I thought that blogging would help me decide but I can’t. If he is still dating someone, I would never be able to forgive myself because it isn’t like we are doing anything other than hanging out, but if I were dating him I wouldn’t be okay with it.Then there is my dad, I love him but I hate to see him suffer. My divorced parents live very separate lives, so I see two sides of the spectrum. My mom is the accountant type who carefully plans out financial purchases, but my dad has a low income and barely makes it by. He stopped paying child support years ago because “it was just too much”. What am I supposed to say to that? Honestly if you have read “Death of a Salesman”, my dad is the 21st century Willy Loman. It is sad and I can’t see him like this, it kills me. I know I can’t do anything about it because I don’t make money currently, I am a starving student. My life is just falling apart at the seams and it seems like you are the only people I can talk about it with. I really don’t know what to do about Jack though, I feel like we’re close already and we have really only been friends since prom. Isn’t it weird how you could go to the same school as someone since third grade and never speak to them until April of your senior year in high school. So world hear my shout to the void, I am lost and in need of guidance. I’m insecure and afraid of rejection and devastation. Honestly, the more people reassure me, the less I am sure of myself. Which I know is completely contradictory, but it is the truth. I’m Asian, but I was nowhere near valedictorian, so am I really that smart? I don’t think I’m completely repulsive, but that doesn’t make me pretty. I know I’m not fat, but Victoria’s Secret isn’t calling me up anytime. I am literally the epitome of average and I guess that is why I have been 18 years single. For the record, I have only lived 18 years. Well I guess I haven’t been single the entire time, but my minuscule boyfriends were literally just people in my life that I said a maximum of five words to. What is wrong with me and why is my timing always wrong. I’ve known of Jack for 9 of my 18 years on this planet and when we finally become friends he may or may not have a girlfriend in the picture. Wow this blogging thing really is cathartic, I do actually find myself talking into answers. I can’t just ask him if he is still dating his girlfriend, that would just screw up everything. I honestly don’t know what I am going to do because part of me knows we have good chemistry, the other part of me doesn’t know which kind. I need help, sleep, and a clear head. At this rate, sleep is all I will be getting.

XOXO

tightrope

How do you know if you’ve just done something really wrong? Do you feel bad? Do you get sick? Well I think I’ve done something really wrong. Remember how I cancelled plans with Jack yesterday…well it turns out I didn’t get rid of him. He asked what I was doing tonight and I wasn’t going to lie, then that turned into us hanging out. Let me just settle that it was NOT a date. At least I don’t think it was. What even defines a date? So it began when he picked me up and we decided to get food, no big deal (it was a fast food place…nothing date like about that). Then he wanted to see a movie, that isn’t romantic, you can’t talk during a movie. Unfortunately or fortunately, not sure which one yet, no movies were playing at the time we went. He said he wanted to watch a certain movie, so we went back to my house. Turns out we didn’t watch the movie, we reminisced on our elementary school days and then we watched espn. There is no way that is romantic or a date right? I don’t know what to do, I meant to ask if he was still dating his girlfriend but it never came out. I need help and I don’t know what to do. Please anyone following…advice. I’m just confused and I don’t want to make a wrong choice. It was short, but I am going to go try to sort out my mind. Please comment, love you all

XOXO

fireworks?

I know I haven’t been consistent, I started out really well, but I’ve slacked lately. I dropped my phone in the pool today so it is basically an expensive paperweight. So many things to tell you, so I guess I will begin at the start of Independence Day. I woke up with a snap chat, remember that guy I was telling you about? The one that bought my meal and has a girlfriend? Well his name is Jack. So I woke up to a snapchat from Jack, which surprised me because we have NEVER snapchatted. We hadn’t even talked since the whole ice cream thing fell through. Either way, it was whatever, we sent the generic happy fourth pics. Then my best friend Sara who thankfully is back from her trip around the world, decided to skip the parade. I didn’t really care about that, but I was stuck with two 9 year old girls and a 13 year old…how am I supposed to define myself as an adult when I still have to sit with the kids. That is beside the point. When Sara and I got together, we had to go to her work for a miserable five hours and I didn’t even get paid. That is how you know your family is awful, when you’re willing to help someone work for free instead of spend family time together. So like all reckless teenagers, we decided to invest in fireworks, $85 worth to be exact, her dad bought $150 worth so we went all out. Also like girls, we didn’t want to shoot mortars, so we had to text around to some guy friends. Well I had to… Jack was out of town and I didn’t mean to restart our snapchat conversation, but it happened. We planned, well not planned, more like talked about shooting some fireworks tonight after the 4th since he got home a few hours before I posted this. Then today my phone broke, so no communication via text or call. That is another way to describe hell on earth. Also beside the point, I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place with Jack and I can’t talk to my friends. Except Sara, she doesn’t know Jack so it was irrelevant if she knows about our friendship or whatever we have. I don’t know what I am supposed to do, honestly I feel okay that my phone died today just because I don’t want to overstep any boundaries. He and his girlfriend have an odd relationship…I mean what girlfriend doesn’t go to her boyfriends graduation ceremony? If it were me I would be mad. Social media actually makes me want to strangle people more because stalking has been made easy. That is a very bad thing. When your ex-flirtationship decides to post pics of his “new bae” on insta, I’m kinda mad. He also wont mail me the lipstick I left at his house after prom… I don’t want to be with him, but I sure as hell don’t want him to text me about his new girl. That is just rude, or I’m too sensitive. I’m done with this rant/story time. I thought I owed you a comprehensive post since I’ve been bad about my daily posts, but I’m getting back on track

XOXO

sorry

I know I didn’t blog yesterday, I won’t make up an excuse. It wasn’t that I forgot, I just didn’t know what to say. Does that ever happen to you? You just don’t have an idea of what you should say. Well that was me last night. Today might have been the worst day of my life, well at least one that attests to my bad luck. I decided I would go to the pool, no big deal. 1:30, the sun is out and it is hot as hell. 1:50, I reach the pool and swim. 2:00, flood warning level rains. It came on immediately and the thunder was loud enough to make my ears cringe. I sat in the disgusting, spider web infested bathroom for 10 minutes before realizing that I needed to get home. My lack of a car was perfect and it was a 20 minute walk home when power walking. I actually ran barefoot through my neighborhood to get home under bullets of rain. I dropped my phone in a puddle and barely saved it from a trip down the storm drain. The worst part of it all was that I was in a bikini in front of every car that passed me by. But wait, it gets better, my mom is ditching me on July 4th weekend for her fiancee. That is the new normal now, so I guess I am not surprised. Wow I am just now realizing how pathetic my life is. On the positive side, I started Paper Towns today, I figured I would read it before the movie came out because I love John Green. I know myself well enough that if I were to watch the movie, I would never read the book, even if the book is substantially better than the movie. That is real 2015 laziness right there.I’ll apologize again for not blogging yesterday, but I am so amazed that there are 50 people following my blog, you are all amazing and I love that you are on this journey with me.

XOXO

no filter

I would say I have done a good job of telling the truth on this blog. I haven’t left out any details except those that would immediately identify me. Even though this is true, something just feels wrong. I have never liked lying and I have done a pretty good job about not doing it, so this is new to me. I promise everything is true but names and very minute details. Today was just awesome (I don’t know if you could sense my sarcasm or not). I had plans, I know shocker, but they got cancelled. Rain checks are all too common for me. Either way, plans were cancelled and my mom’s fiancee decided we should have a family movie night. There was only one thing to do in this situation…fake sick. So here I am lying in my bed pretending to be dying of stomach pain. I know I said I didn’t like lying, so don’t criticize me; but sometimes you have to lie because that is what is best for you. Right now, faking sick is best for me. Tonight I need to go through my dresser and clear out all of my clothes to decide what to put back. This is the worst thing about going to college across the country, I can only take so much stuff. Even if I was going to college down the street, we are moving houses so cleaning is a must. I guess this is a metaphor for my life, I need to clean out my life. I need to get rid of the friends that drag me down and clear out the negativity. I sound like a buddhist guru right now, excuse my cliche. But for real, clearing out negativity is a lot harder than it seems. I just added more negativity to my life, so I’m going to start cleaning things since the movie is over. I’ll talk to you tomorrow

XOXO

baby talk

I always tell myself that I want kids because that is what society tells us women. Society tells us that we should want to have children and stay home to raise them. Don’t believe me? Take count of how many times your mom talks about grandchildren or the possibility of grandchildren. The truth is, I don’t know if I want kids and babysitting pushes me further away from the likelihood of having kids. Babysitting for a 3 and 1 year old is basically like daycare in hell. So here is a list of reasons I am not a teen mom right now:

1. crying

2. diapers

3. labor pains

4. kankles

5. loss of energy

I could go on, but then you’d be scrolling forever. I’m sure you get my point. I love kids, once they are potty trained; the whole process of changing diapers makes me cringe. Surely I’ll grow out of this phase because I’ll have to face the fact that I will most likely have kids in the future. Just saying, number three is going to kill me. I am exhausted and drained from 4 hours of babysitting kids, mostly because 4 hours of constant playing and crying and carrying a baby kills your back. My head is pounding and I am surprised that I got on my computer to type this. Please appreciate my dedication to this whole blogging thing. I’ve already impressed myself with my consistency to blog. I am going to sleep before anything bad slips out, but sleep well

XOXO

bad to the bone

What defines a bad person? the things we’ve done, the things we think, or the things we dream. I’ve been a bad person, I’ve broken promises, been overly blunt, and I’ve thought things I shouldn’t have. Today has been a long day and I’m feeling like a bad person. I found out that Mary Ann has been sending her nudes around to all of our friends. How do you reign in a slut? Don’t get me wrong, I love her, but I can’t always be her mother. It isn’t my job to always be there for her when she screws up, but for some reason I have been. I don’t see the fascination with sending nudes and everything to guys. It sounds cliche, but they are never safe. I’ve seen it happen to my friends, so I know it is real. I can’t handle my life and hers at the same time. I shouldn’t know she is sending nudes, but I guess I have good friends…I don’t know if that makes him a good friend. But no matter what she is doing, I am a bad person. Texting jokes turned into plans and that shouldn’t have happened. I didn’t mean to make plans with another girls boyfriend, if you’ve read my blogs then you will know that he is the one who bought me dinner. Now we have plans to have an eat off, who can down the most milk. Super romantic, I know. It isn’t supposed to be and it isn’t, but why does it feel so wrong. Do I cancel? I don’t know what to do about this, it makes me feel bad just typing it, so I’ll stop and go to sleep

Comments are always welcome, I love hearing from you

XOXO

good morning sunshine

It is 8:22 and I got approximately 3 hours of sleep last night. Why? Because some people stress clean and I am one of those people. I’ve never posted this early because usually my thoughts come out at night, but I am about to show my house to a woman who I absolutely abhor. She could pose as Cruella de Vil and I nobody would question her. Her name even goes with the song! I won’t tell you because google makes my blog easier to find. So now that I am awake and ready to fake smile for the rest of the day, I need a red bull. Some part of me wishes that she would hate the house and decide to pass on the opportunity, but another part of me just wants this whole house selling nonsense to be over. I also found out last night that my mom’s honeymoon is going to be my graduation trip that we cancelled. That’s right people, you heard it here, the Italy trip I had dreamed about since age 9 was shattered this summer when my mom said “we just can’t do it this year, I’m sure you will make it to Italy some time in your life”, then yesterday she tells my friends that is where she will have her honeymoon while I am away in college. Sorry for my run on sentence, but I have never felt so betrayed. That is another reason why I don’t like him when she asks me. The worst part is that she has changed so much that she can’t even see it. Never did the shows I watch or the things I do bother her, but now she acts like I am a delinquent that is always out getting high. I never gave her reason to think that and suddenly this new man has her thinking I deserve to be on death row. But I have an inspection to oversee, so I’ll probably be back tonight to share. I never thought blogging would be this fulfilling for me, but it is and I thank every one of my subscribers or those who just come across my blog. It is more to me than you will ever know

XOXO

trip down memory lane

Today I finally opened and read through my yearbook. I’ve always had the habit of waiting until summer to read what anyone wrote in my yearbook. To me, yearbook signatures are meant to be there for you for when you miss people. I won’t lie, I cried. I am about to close the biggest chapter of my life to start a new one that will basically never intersect with my high school life. Only one other person from my school is attending college with me and I am sure a business/engineering major won’t be seeing a quantum physics major anytime soon. The thing about senior year is that every signature means something special, they aren’t just ‘see you next year, have a great summer’ comments anymore. They are deeper, there is meaning and maybe it is just me, but I’m very emotional now. Most of these people I won’t see or talk to again, for some that is a good thing, but for others it breaks my heart. All of the people you promise to keep in your life and then don’t. There was so much useless hate in my high school and I know I am not innocent. It amazes me how the kid I had in one class for one semester managed to make me cry with a simple paragraph in my yearbook. Right now, I am a jumbled mess of sad and happy and scared. I know I say that I am a mess in almost every post, but if you knew me, you would agree with me. I guess what is really pressing on me is that my mother is selling my house to one of my least favorite people in the world. Tomorrow they are coming to inspect the house and it will be nothing short of hell. Imagine the biggest control freak in your life and now multiply it by one thousand and that is this girls mother. I’ll stop myself before I get too nasty. Sleep well

XOXO