double posting

My life actually got interesting today although I wish it hadn’t. By best friend called me to let me know that the guy she was dating or hooking up with actually has pictures of her giving him head. I won’t say I told her so, but we all told her he was messed up. Now we are trying to figure out where the pictures are and who all has them. I actually don’t know what to do in this situation and I just spent three hours on the phone trying to console her. If that wasn’t bad enough, my friend just got cheated on by her boyfriend of 5 years so that just ended. What really bothers me is that when a couple breaks up, everyone always says , ‘you’ll find someone deserving’ or ‘he doesn’t deserve you’. I hate that after the second time because when you are broken up with, they are usually perfect one (at least at that time) and if he didn’t deserve me then there probably wasn’t any person that did. I just remember when I was broken up with last year, that really annoyed me. In the moment my ex-boyfriend was exactly what I wanted and he treated me well and we were happy, so if perfection didn’t deserve me then who should? That may just be me bringing out some of my irrational philosophical justifications, but I was annoyed. The worst part about break ups is that the pain is so overwhelming that you can’t remember how you felt before. It kills a part of you and I am still getting over parts of mine. First loves suck because no matter how far you go, they will always hold a piece of you. I know I’ve already posted today, but I had to get this out because blogging is all about truth right? I can honestly say that I like blogging more than I ever thought I would. It is cathartic in nature and I’ve needed that for awhile. I just talked about clearing my mind and somehow thinking through what to write about my life has really made me think about what to do with myself, so thank you to those who read this and I hope you come back

XOXO

life is like a box of chocolates

You really never know what you’re going to get. Right now my life is like the nasty sugar free chocolate that is a ripoff of the real deal. If you like sugar free chocolate, sorry but when you’re allergic they suck. Do you ever wonder what you are doing with yourself, like what your plans are beyond your next meal? I have gone through a list of all the things I could do with my life, but nothing seems to be right. I can’t seem to find the right path and nobody cares enough to help me figure out. Sometimes I just want to take a vow of silence because the more I talk the less I make sense. If I could get in the car and drive as far away as possible, I would. I just want to be on a beach alone to soak up the sun and feel the waves against my toes. It seems nowhere is safe for my thoughts and even worse, I can’t even find a place to think clearly. I’ve tried everything– a hot bath, complete silence, loud music, a long run–yet everything fails to give me thinking space. Any tips? I would also enjoy a good night sleep. Lately I just lie in bed and stare blankly at my walls, which might possibly be worse than anything I’ve ever experienced. So to anyone feeling the same way, you aren’t alone

XOXO

debit or credit?

Today my mom decided that I needed a credit card and this is the greatest thing that came out of her mouth! I am amazed that she would trust me with a card, but then reality set in and I am the one fitting the bill for this so called credit card *insert my eye roll here*. I don’t want to be responsible for my own credit, I can’t even handle myself as is. One thing I will admit is that I now have some independence over my spending. Now the big question is United or Southwest. I know what I want, but my mother disagrees, but that is nothing new. Sometimes I think she disagrees with me just for the sake of it. I wonder if I even want to go home for the holidays sometimes. She keeps threatening to get rid of my dog when I leave for college and it breaks my heart. He is one of my best friends and before I started blogging, I would tell him everything…sorry if you think that is weird. I don’t understand how parents can be so kind and cruel within the same hour. I also find it aggravating how if they bring up the conversation, they are very interested, but if you bring it up they act like they could care less. Seriously my parents need therapy… Oh well that was my super unexciting day. Hope yours was better

XOXO

bath or bust

As I type this, I am enjoying a hot bath with candles and a lush bath bomb. This is the only place I can really think things through and now that my best friend is back…so is trouble. I am cautious around her because we may not always make the best decisions, but we are still young so it is okay right? The real truth is, I’m going to miss her and I don’t know what I’ll do without her next year. Can you believe we will be like 1500 miles away? I don’t even know if i can be on my own. I thought this bath would clear my head, but the more I sit and think about what to type, the more clouded my head gets. I don’t understand why all of the bad stuff happens to me. Do you ever feel like the world is against you? If you said yes then I feel you and if you said no, you are probably lying to yourself. It is summer but I am so stressed about everything going on in my life. I feel like my posts are growing redundant so I apologize. When I look at my stats, I can’t believe there are real people listening to me. Please comment and ask me questions and connect with me. It is amazing to me that maybe something I say will help someone else out there going through what I am experiencing. Sorry this post couldn’t be more interesting, but I have had a really uneventful day…I’ll try again tomorrow

XOXO

better late than never

I wish I could say I was late posting because I was out having the time of my life, but the truth is I was grounded for the night. I am an 18 year old ADULT and I just got grounded because I argued with my ignorant uncle that racial profiling was wrong. That is southern hospitality right there because obviously all people of Arab descent deserve to be searched and violated. Sorry I won’t get too political, but if there is one issue I’ll defend, it is race relations. I also won’t apologize for standing my ground on that issue so if I offended you I guess you should just unfollow me. Okay I’m done, I’ll apologize for my political advocacy on my personal blog, not that I have another blog, one is too much to keep up with. I just really need a pool and a bikini ready body for the rest of the summer. I found out that I am moving today because my mom and her fiancee feel the need to uproot me AGAIN. It is just now hitting me that I am actually leaving and going to college, which now I am slightly intimidated. My mom expects me to rush and I don’t even know if I have the ability to make friends. They may hate me and I’ll be halfway across the country from my bed to cry in. I’m sure I’m not the only one freaking out, but I’m actually nervous and ready to cry my eyes out. The things I would do right now if I were 21… But I’m not and that would be illegal. So I guess my day was ridiculously uneventful, sorry my post couldn’t be better or more relatable. I’ll try again tomorrow

XOXO

bet you thought I wouldn’t post

This is my first post from the app and not going to lie I’m excited. So I thought maybe my problems subsided but life had a different plan for me. I’ll just set out a disclaimer that I am not the hot popular girl that every guy is jumping at the chance to get with, but for some reason I’ve attracted someone… And of course he has a girlfriend. I don’t actually know if he likes me and maybe it is just my inflated ego but something tells me it isn’t. Who talks to their plain old friend about if they should break up with their significant other? I’ll also point out that we have only been friends for a few months! I also find it weird that he claimed he had a crush on me in seventh grade when we weren’t friends (I just think that is really weird but maybe it isn’t). I can’t talk to my friends because I don’t want them to think I’m blowing this out of proportion or being ridiculous and I definitely don’t want him to know I think it is weird because he may not like me at all. I’m done for tonight. I only mention it because he asked if I wanted to hang out and for the first time in the week I actually was doing something. What do I do? I’m really lost and obviously inexperienced.

XOXO

can you knot?

I’m surprised I’ve kept up with this, I honestly expected to blog maybe twice then give up. The truth is, I find some relief in getting my feelings out. Well the highlight of my day was my mom returning home to tell me she is now engaged…cool. I love when people don’t even ask me about life decisions. It isn’t that I hate him, but I don’t exactly want to call him dad for the rest of my life either. I’m about to go to college and my mother is about to elope and act like a rebellious teenager. I promise you don’t know awkward until you come home from a party and see your mom’s boyfriend well fiancee now sleeping in your bed. There is such a double standard between adults and teenagers. Not that I’m bringing home guys but if I did, I would be called a slut and grounded for the rest of eternity. When my mom lets her boyfriend stay over, it is okay because “they just got tired”. Just because they aren’t doing anything R rated doesn’t mean that it doesn’t impact me. I honestly don’t know what to expect from my college years, I’ll probably just stay single forever. Maybe something is wrong with me because guys just aren’t attracted to me and it sucks. I’m just ready to be on my own to make my own decisions without pressure from people here. Just today my so called best friend felt it was okay to tell me that I should give someone head just so he would take me to a concert…umm sorry I’m not a prostitute. Maybe I’m prude, but I don’t think an STD is worth a concert. Whatever…Done with my rant (for today)

XOXO

am i a blogger or nah?

So this is my third consecutive day to blog, does that make me a blogger? I’m just sitting around waiting for my best friend Maddie to come home from Thailand with her family. She has been gone since the beginning of summer and I’m starting to think she fell off the face of the earth. She is the only person I can actually talk to, at least until I started this blogging thing. What I really need is advice or just someone to act like they care about my situation. How do you truly determine if it is a date or not? I know it is simple, but how? If he pays? If you kiss? If you hook up? It is different to everyone in this day and age. If he has a girlfriend, but pays for your meal, what does that mean? It is not like I knew he would pay or I wouldn’t have done it. I thought it was merely friendly, but when he refused to take my money, something was wrong. I just want someone out there to give me advice using their head not their ‘head’. Sorry if that is too vulgar, but I’m not here to censor my feelings or my life, then it wouldn’t be true. I’ll be honest that I’ve changed minor details like my best friend’s name isn’t Maddie, it is Sara and she is returning from Venice. The truth is that if everyone knew who I was then I probably wouldn’t tell the truth, so I do this to protect myself and those around me. I will say that every event and important detail is 100% true because one day I’ll read this and remember all of the stupid stuff I wrote to myself about how life was against me. So I apologize if this wasn’t the blog post you wanted or if this isn’t the blog for you, but reality is; this is a blog for me. I hope you stay with me to my next blog

XOXO

just another shout to the void

So maybe something is wrong with me, but I can’t get myself out of this slump.  What I want is a guy who wants to be with me because of who I am, not what I’ll give him. Sure, going to college a virgin might suck, but I don’t think I’m ready just to give it all away just to say I’ve done it. I’ve seen people go crazy after their first time and I’m not fit for that. It isn’t like I’m waiting for marriage, I’m just waiting for a guy that isn’t an ass hole. Also, how do you even know when it is right? Like I’m 18 and have less experience than the average freshman in high school. At this rate, I’ll die with 15 cats and no one to love me. Is that weird that I’m so inexperienced or is that normal for some people? Sure I’ve wanted to do things with guys but I don’t have the guts. Currently I’ve been talking to some guys but I don’t know where they are headed. I’m going to college so starting a relationship is just a waste of emotion right? I’ve asked a lot of questions and I don’t know if there are answers, but it is nice to know that there are at least five people out there who care about what I have to say. Thanks for listening, see you soon

XOXO

for the first time

So I’ve been trying to find the best way to document my thoughts and someone suggested blogging, so here I am. I’m bearing it all because why would I write something completely false. If there is anyone reading this, comment, ask me anything, I won’t lie to you. I would be surprised if this blog got one follower but the point of the truth is not to attract viewers, but to put your life on the line for others to observe. I’ve spent hours deciding how to write this post and I guarantee it isn’t perfect, but it is me. I’ve spent hours in my house trying to prepare myself for college and I wanted to document my life through college and beyond. Some part of me hopes these thoughts aren’t just shouts into the online void, but another part prays they stay between me and this website; I can’t tell which is stronger and that actually scares me. It is late and I’m at the point in the night where I’m delusional and writing nonsense that hopefully reaches someone. I just wanted to establish that I am determined to let this be the journal that I actually keep up with. If you are out there reading my shouts to the void, shout back because I am listening. In the end it is completely true that we all need someone to lean on

XOXO