redemption?

I just read over my attempt at a blog post last night and I actually think I hate myself a little. I don’t even think I was coherent when attempting to write that post and now I worry for my sanity. Today I cleaned out my entire room which meant a lot of cleaning out my life. It feels like a big burden has been lifted off of me and now I am in a safe space. Those sentences probably sound like I love cleaning, but believe me, I think I would rather read Hamlet than clean. Although if I am stressed, hit me up because I will clean are reorganize anything I can get my hands on.

Who, What, When, Where, Why… These questions haunt me in my sleep. When I tell people what I am doing with my life it is easy, I am an 18 year old teenage emotionally unstable girl who is planning to become an engineer at a college in the continental united states. The why gets me every time. Why did I choose my college? I got rejected by my top choice, so I chose the rival school, but I can’t tell anyone that. Therefore, I pull out the whole, it is a great school with awesome opportunities and people don’t question me further. Why do I want to be an engineer? Money, stability, and money, I plan to drive a black range rover by my 10th reunion, but I also can’t tell college essays I want to make money. They expect some fancy, “it is my passion and it will help me achieve world peace”, so that is what I say, but obviously leaving out the world peace nonsense. The essay that really stumped me was ‘what are your goals and why’. This is an easy question to answer at first, my goals are to make money, have a roof, drive a car, and be happy. The conflict is that money and happiness are usually two separate circles on a venn diagram. I grew up with people telling me you can’t have both and it is starting to seem that way. We all want the same things, the why and how is what makes us unique. I still don’t know why exactly I want those things, but I know that I’ll give up something along the way. The followup question of why haunts me everyday because I can’t change my choice of college, but every time I am asked why I chose it, I feel less secure about my choice. If I am going to be completely honest, I only applied to my school because of a boy, G lives there and he convinced me. I never thought I would pick it but I did and I didn’t get into my top choice. G isn’t even going there, he chose Kentucky. My biggest fear is that I chose wrong and not even orientation solidified my feelings about school.

Does anyone ever know the answer to why? If you think you do, you’re probably lying or you are god. I guess it is okay not to know right now, but the fear of not knowing is eating me alive right now.

I hope I gained redemption for my awful post last night and thanks for sticking with me

XOXO

father’s day

Let me get sentimental for a bit because today is Father’s Day. Today I learned that before my grandfather died, my dad spoke to him on the phone and my grandmother asked my father to come to New York to see him. My father declined and my grandpa died three days later. It is really cliche, but you really don’t know how much time you have with people, even if they are young. I never gave my grandpa a proper goodbye and now he is gone. So let me propose a challenge, I’ll participate too, take every moment to show the people in your life that you love and appreciate them. I’ve had a rocky relationship with my dad, but at the end of the day, he tries his hardest. I guess that I have learned that people show love in different ways. Unfortunately, those aren’t always compatible. I don’t cry often, but when I think about the sacrifices my parents have made for me, I can’t stop the tears. I never thought that blogging would get so deep for me or that I would ever be able to keep it up. I’m considering doing the 100 happy days competition soon, but I’m not quite sure. I am really hoping to be happier this year and stop focusing on all of the bad stuff in my life. Every day really is a gift and I intend to use it. I hope that everyone had a great Father’s Day and don’t forget to tell your dad you love them. I’ll also say that I love all of you for just listening to the things I write and it gives me an odd sense that someone is out there that cares. Thanks for everything

XOXO

life in the bubble

Living in the suburbs is basically like living in your own personal hell; you can’t escape and you are basically isolated from the world. When you blog, do you ever find it hard to not give away details that would point to who you are? I do. The real issue with suburbs is that only one viewpoint exists and where I live, that viewpoint is conservative. For example, my neighbors have a confederate flag flying outside their house because they believe that the south will avenge the civil war. Let me just point out that whatever race, gender, religion, or political affiliation, there is NO justification for flying a flag that currently stands for racism and reminds a country of slavery. I don’t believe in the bullshit answer that it is states rights. If you want to fly a state’s rights flag, fly the 10th amendment. I’m sure you’ve inferred many things about my political views, but I don’t really care how you see me. Some will agree and some will just have to agree to disagree. Off my tangent, living in my bubble means that news travels fast. Remember my friend with the revealing pictures, well those pictures happened to get around to some of our friends and parents. I’m sure I won’t be seeing Mary Ann around much. With Southern Baptist parents, pictures of you giving a guy head when you are supposed to be at church camp, doesn’t really go well. She is now on parent declared house arrest with no phone, car, or computer. She is literally in a bubble inside of a bubble (Maybe that is where double bubble got its bubblegum name from). I went over to see her today and it was actually depressing, like imagine Bella Swan in the New Moon movie where she sits in a chair all day. The worst part is that she won’t admit she is at fault, so can you tell a friend she was being a ho? I guess I should really start at the beginning of her story so you’ll understand. Mary Ann was dating a guy and I’ll point out that they determined their compatibility by their grinding skills at a school dance. Very deep, I agree. Fast forward to 8 months later; my best friend is no longer a virgin and feels the need to pressure me to take those steps too. Fast forward to a month before prom and she breaks up with him because “he just didn’t care”. Being friends with both of them means that I am torn both ways. I’ve seen the texts and I don’t think that not wanting to date in college (they are going to different colleges) isn’t not caring. If it were me I would rather know before I tried to change colleges to be with someone. The worst part was that she acted like the victim and refused to come to school for a week. How she got into her current predicament follows because she was on a chaotic search for a prom date (all the single ladies were). In a month period, she blew 4 guys, had sex with 3, and managed to keep each of the guys from finding out that she was with 4 guys at the same time. How she ended up picking a nasty college kid who only showed up for free booze is still unknown. The real kicker is that the guy that took the picture wasn’t even one of the four. Wow this is really starting to sound like it should be a soap opera or a teen drama. So now you can fast forward to now and I am trying to pick up the pieces of her shattered relationships because she won’t own up to anything. I’m lost and I’ve been cleaning nonstop to keep my mind off of this, but it was nice to get it out on the internet. Good thing she doesn’t have a computer to read this.

late night philosophy thoughts

It is 11:11 when I’ll be posting, so I wish for peace. Sure that is generic and sounds like it belongs in the Miss Congeniality movie, but it is completely true. I haven’t gotten any time to rest my mind because one thing after another and I am overwhelmed. Have you ever had sleep paralysis? I have and it is the scariest thing ever. I must be really stressed because this only happens when my body is trying to tell me that I am stressed. I was writing a scholarship application about my goals and to be honest, I can’t remember the last time I actually thought about my short term goals. In the end, we all want the same things, stability, love, and happiness. How we achieve those things is what defines us. Sure I want to marry an Christian Grey who doesn’t want to domestically abuse me and I want a house that I could get lost in, but does that make me happy, probably not. As I’ve been reading (yes I actually read in the summer, even I am surprised), I have grown more interested in philosophy. Do you ever think about why you are alive? Is there some greater reason than procreation? I watched the movie Remember Me for the first time tonight and it really has me thinking about a quote my mom used to always say to me. The main character begins his narration with this quote and my mind has been racing thinking about it. I’m sure you didn’t start reading my blog to hear me get all philosophical, but here it is anyway.

My favorite quote of all time:

Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it

–Mahatma Gandhi

Growing up, this quote always seemed contradictory to me; if everything in life amounts to nothing, logically you shouldn’t do it. After 18 years on this planet, it finally clicked. In the end we are just specks of dust in the timeline of life, but each of us is an integral part of that timeline. When we live, we think that our lives mean nothing, that we are just another number. What I think Gandhi is trying to convey is that each of our lives serves a purpose maybe just to those around us or on a global scale, but that is why it is important that we do it. All life contains the ability to touch another and everything we do impacts those around us. It is the butterfly effect, what we do is insignificant, but the effect around the world is incredible. Maybe that is what this blog is, my insignificant shout to the void may be something important at least to one person out there. If my blog can touch one person or even nobody at all, it was important to me to share my feelings. So when the main character states that our fingerprints never fade from the lives we’ve touched, that is the point Gandhi is trying to make. This could be completely wrong but this is the epiphany I have come to while contemplating philosophy at night. For some reason, the later it gets, the more philosophical I get. So I guess the point of my rant was that I need to get out there and experience life more, for me.

XOXO

forgive but never forget

It is late and my mind is buzzing like a bee. I spent a lot of time thinking about what to write and how exactly to write it. I’ve never been the girl to be super outgoing or anything, so it doesn’t surprise me that I spend a lot of time with myself. I won’t pretend that I am some hot blonde with a Victoria’s Secret body that works out all the time because while I may want that, it is simply not true. I am an average brunette that is way below average in height with an average weight and a sub par body. I’m also completely okay with that because I am 99% sure nobody looks like a Victoria’s Secret model (not even the models themselves). I’ve tried everything, dieting, working out, water cleanses, but in the end, I love food. The point of this post wasn’t supposed to be to talk about my body insecurities or anything, but somehow it developed so I’ll keep it. What I wanted to talk about was my friends relationships. Remember yesterday and the guy with the pics? Yeah well my friend decided that he was really sorry and she believes that he won’t do it again. He said that he would have never sent them to anyone because he loves her. Excuse my French, but BULL SHIT. I just got forwarded that picture and trust me, you don’t want to see it. I can’t just tell her that I got the picture or she will give me the whole ‘you just don’t want us together spiel’ and I don’t have the energy for that. What am I supposed to do? Honestly I don’t care if you send nudes or whatever, that is your business, but it does NOT need to end up in my text messages.There are some things that you just can’t unsee. Also on the topic of nudes, a camp friend decided to send me his via snapchat…wow I totally wanted to see that. Not that I have the experience or anything to compare to, but if you take your pics at an obscenely odd angle, are you compensating for something? I think so. It is like guys with big trucks, 90% of the time, they compensate for something small, be it brains or another head. Sorry my blog has grown more sexual over time, but I am an 18 year old girl growing up in 2015, sex is our culture now. Just turn on Game of Thrones. I am not knocking Game of Thrones, it is definitely one of my top shows. What I don’t understand is why would someone from camp think that I could send my nudes back to him. Did I give him that impression because now we have a problem. This blog post is longer than I thought, but do you ever just need to get things off your chest? I do…obviously. The worst thing is that the one person I used to tell everything to is no longer in my life. Why does friend-zoning a friend mean that you are no longer friends? I had a valid reason and never led him on, but now we don’t even talk. I mean, how could I possibly have a relationship with someone that would still be in high school next year? I’ll be in college experiencing life and he will want me to come home for homecoming… If I were to enter a relationship it would have to be with someone going to college just because I need to know someone else would be experiencing the same things as me. I wouldn’t want to talk to him about the latest college events when he couldn’t relate. The thing that kills me is that we used to text 24/7 and it has been weeks. Honestly, I left my lipstick with him at prom and I want it back, but I’m a little too scared to ask because that could grow really awkward really fast. Okay I’m done, do you like longer posts or should I keep them short and sweet? Honestly if you comment, I can’t promise anything because I type what I think with no filter (except on language). See you tomorrow

XOXO

double posting

My life actually got interesting today although I wish it hadn’t. By best friend called me to let me know that the guy she was dating or hooking up with actually has pictures of her giving him head. I won’t say I told her so, but we all told her he was messed up. Now we are trying to figure out where the pictures are and who all has them. I actually don’t know what to do in this situation and I just spent three hours on the phone trying to console her. If that wasn’t bad enough, my friend just got cheated on by her boyfriend of 5 years so that just ended. What really bothers me is that when a couple breaks up, everyone always says , ‘you’ll find someone deserving’ or ‘he doesn’t deserve you’. I hate that after the second time because when you are broken up with, they are usually perfect one (at least at that time) and if he didn’t deserve me then there probably wasn’t any person that did. I just remember when I was broken up with last year, that really annoyed me. In the moment my ex-boyfriend was exactly what I wanted and he treated me well and we were happy, so if perfection didn’t deserve me then who should? That may just be me bringing out some of my irrational philosophical justifications, but I was annoyed. The worst part about break ups is that the pain is so overwhelming that you can’t remember how you felt before. It kills a part of you and I am still getting over parts of mine. First loves suck because no matter how far you go, they will always hold a piece of you. I know I’ve already posted today, but I had to get this out because blogging is all about truth right? I can honestly say that I like blogging more than I ever thought I would. It is cathartic in nature and I’ve needed that for awhile. I just talked about clearing my mind and somehow thinking through what to write about my life has really made me think about what to do with myself, so thank you to those who read this and I hope you come back

XOXO

life is like a box of chocolates

You really never know what you’re going to get. Right now my life is like the nasty sugar free chocolate that is a ripoff of the real deal. If you like sugar free chocolate, sorry but when you’re allergic they suck. Do you ever wonder what you are doing with yourself, like what your plans are beyond your next meal? I have gone through a list of all the things I could do with my life, but nothing seems to be right. I can’t seem to find the right path and nobody cares enough to help me figure out. Sometimes I just want to take a vow of silence because the more I talk the less I make sense. If I could get in the car and drive as far away as possible, I would. I just want to be on a beach alone to soak up the sun and feel the waves against my toes. It seems nowhere is safe for my thoughts and even worse, I can’t even find a place to think clearly. I’ve tried everything– a hot bath, complete silence, loud music, a long run–yet everything fails to give me thinking space. Any tips? I would also enjoy a good night sleep. Lately I just lie in bed and stare blankly at my walls, which might possibly be worse than anything I’ve ever experienced. So to anyone feeling the same way, you aren’t alone

XOXO

debit or credit?

Today my mom decided that I needed a credit card and this is the greatest thing that came out of her mouth! I am amazed that she would trust me with a card, but then reality set in and I am the one fitting the bill for this so called credit card *insert my eye roll here*. I don’t want to be responsible for my own credit, I can’t even handle myself as is. One thing I will admit is that I now have some independence over my spending. Now the big question is United or Southwest. I know what I want, but my mother disagrees, but that is nothing new. Sometimes I think she disagrees with me just for the sake of it. I wonder if I even want to go home for the holidays sometimes. She keeps threatening to get rid of my dog when I leave for college and it breaks my heart. He is one of my best friends and before I started blogging, I would tell him everything…sorry if you think that is weird. I don’t understand how parents can be so kind and cruel within the same hour. I also find it aggravating how if they bring up the conversation, they are very interested, but if you bring it up they act like they could care less. Seriously my parents need therapy… Oh well that was my super unexciting day. Hope yours was better

XOXO

bath or bust

As I type this, I am enjoying a hot bath with candles and a lush bath bomb. This is the only place I can really think things through and now that my best friend is back…so is trouble. I am cautious around her because we may not always make the best decisions, but we are still young so it is okay right? The real truth is, I’m going to miss her and I don’t know what I’ll do without her next year. Can you believe we will be like 1500 miles away? I don’t even know if i can be on my own. I thought this bath would clear my head, but the more I sit and think about what to type, the more clouded my head gets. I don’t understand why all of the bad stuff happens to me. Do you ever feel like the world is against you? If you said yes then I feel you and if you said no, you are probably lying to yourself. It is summer but I am so stressed about everything going on in my life. I feel like my posts are growing redundant so I apologize. When I look at my stats, I can’t believe there are real people listening to me. Please comment and ask me questions and connect with me. It is amazing to me that maybe something I say will help someone else out there going through what I am experiencing. Sorry this post couldn’t be more interesting, but I have had a really uneventful day…I’ll try again tomorrow

XOXO

better late than never

I wish I could say I was late posting because I was out having the time of my life, but the truth is I was grounded for the night. I am an 18 year old ADULT and I just got grounded because I argued with my ignorant uncle that racial profiling was wrong. That is southern hospitality right there because obviously all people of Arab descent deserve to be searched and violated. Sorry I won’t get too political, but if there is one issue I’ll defend, it is race relations. I also won’t apologize for standing my ground on that issue so if I offended you I guess you should just unfollow me. Okay I’m done, I’ll apologize for my political advocacy on my personal blog, not that I have another blog, one is too much to keep up with. I just really need a pool and a bikini ready body for the rest of the summer. I found out that I am moving today because my mom and her fiancee feel the need to uproot me AGAIN. It is just now hitting me that I am actually leaving and going to college, which now I am slightly intimidated. My mom expects me to rush and I don’t even know if I have the ability to make friends. They may hate me and I’ll be halfway across the country from my bed to cry in. I’m sure I’m not the only one freaking out, but I’m actually nervous and ready to cry my eyes out. The things I would do right now if I were 21… But I’m not and that would be illegal. So I guess my day was ridiculously uneventful, sorry my post couldn’t be better or more relatable. I’ll try again tomorrow

XOXO